Sunday, November 15, 2015

Constant state of dilemma

I have a lot of things to write about, events, thoughts and realizations, but here in Delhi over the last few months I have not been able to obtain a quiet and peaceful state of mind that allows me to relax and organize my thoughts. What's even worse is that I am getting habituated with this constant state of dilemma, and not even trying to put a real effort in cooling things down in my head and do things one by one. I am letting it be, I am letting happenings happen and consume time the way it may, floating my self in the eddy current of what life is offering me here in this new city.
It's high time now that I start to focus.
I realized it is important it is to have your own space, not in physicality only, but with yourself. Socializing, undoubtedly is a noble idea. But this constant state of staying socialized is detrimental for people like me who loves the idea of themselves as a free thinker. Free thinking requires you to be free. Free from WhatsApp messages, free from Facebook pings, free from knocks on doors, from phone calls, from a unrelenting pressure of curriculum, and a continuum of things that consume real time and tire your brain.
It is important to be critical. It is very important to pick a side. Diplomacy, the middle ground, here and there, such ideas are good for survival, but these doesn't let you live.
All my thoughts are getting jumbled up day by day in a inter tangled web of confusion and it is becoming increasingly difficult to demystify what it is to do, write or draw about. I was wrong about thinking that Delhi as a soul less city. In fact it has one, or many perhaps, but it's not as joyful and expressive like kolkata. It's not mechanical, but rather melancholic, not the poetic one of kolkata, but a real deep dark melancholy, a sorrow, celebrating life as a constant flow and proposing an indifference to it. Delhi doesn't want you to fall in love with her. Delhi is difficult, Delhi is harsh, Delhi is extreme. I can read faces in the metro, by day and by night, the people in the constant saga of their individual lives that build up this gigantic megalopolis bit by bit, a satisfaction in not knowing, a content in not asking, a comfort in the convention, an indifference towards pain and prosperity - a portraiture of void. Delhi will give you the what .. But never the why and that she does consciously, willingly and endlessly. You just have to do it.
This is Delhi, not all soulless but a soul with less of charm.
For people like me, born and brought up kolkata, full of warmth, chatter and coziness, over sensitive towards how you say something than what you say, finding peace in love affection and comfort, ease in good company, Delhi is indeed tough. Though I've been complaining about personal space here, the city actually offers you the ultimatum of it, something too strong to gulp - you in the city, and the city indifferent to your existence !