Saturday, November 10, 2012

Blank Happy Feeling | the thing that happens to you before winter

log in to Facebook - its the same thing everyday. Its very easy to get bored, and I am very good at easy things.
The sky is bright white blue. its blue with a layer of thin white cloudy. Sunlight is direct but a bit diffused overall. Shadows are dark with fragile borders. and this gentle north breeze, of which my mother warned me - I may catch a cold. Hardly matters! Long time I haven't sneezed hard even. Oh that dizzy headache headache feeling with repeated sneezing- I miss those things!! Its November. The thing that weather does to me before the winter. I never noticed before this time. The difference that brings indifference in me. This weather - this time - this home. When I feel that blank happy feeling - an urge to leave and stay at the same time.

Basically I have this luxury today - because to be honest I have no serious work to do right now. That doesn't mean I am jobless - I have my semester coming up next to next to next week. - that's not as long as it sounds, my past experiences taught me that. Funny the way it is - I cannot start to be serious unless its really the eleventh hour. BESU does it to you. Or is it the way I am ?

Suddenly I miss my childhood days. How could I possibly turn down my habit of reading books? Once I remember my afternoons were lost in books, stories that built their worlds in my head. Now? I have this really cool laptop so I let those books gather dusts. Its awful. But I don't feel bad about them right now. I miss them. Still its this blank happy feeling that keeps growing in me.. the thing that happens to you before the winter.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Same thing

the last post in this blog was on July 21st.
I used to blog when something blog-worthy happened in my life. But for some time, nothing like that happened.
I tried to write something many a times but after typing a few lines I just switched back to something else.
I am stuck in those doldrums again. Same thing. No excitement. No enthusiasm. All I have been doing from the beginning of my 3rd year were done on a very pretentious and false impression of apparent show-off of interest.
I am not pessimistic.
I am neither optimistic. I am just stuck in between. With no force to push me forward and none to drown me either. Nothing is happening. I am becoming void. I remember those days when I starved of intellectual hunger. Now, it has become a habit. I don't feel it anymore. Maybe it is the way I should be. Or maybe it is a temporary state.

Somethings , though have changed.

I am living a lot more in the hostel than my previous years. I have a new address - Room 30, Macdonald Hall, B.E.S.U., Shibpur. I used to be excited about the fact that our college got the hosting right of the ZoNAL NASA Zone 4. Further, I am a member of the Hosting Batch too. I did the job I do the best - I became the editor of the Magazine. I can't say I am happy about it. But, definitely I am proud about it. The magazine is in press right now. Hope it comes out by 25th, as 26th is the first day of our convention. Even if it doesn't, hardly matters to me. I don't possess it . I don't possess anything. I don't even possess my self.

This is not pessimism - please note.

I think this is mnmlsm. Getting rid of useless emotions - a path for true beauty, maybe .

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Doldrums

I feel null these times. It happens at least once a year or so. When you reach the doldrums of enthusiasm to live your life and to do something about it. You feel nothing, you know nothing, you are arrested by extreme lethargy, yet you are doing all that you should, but half-heartily and without asking questions.
Times like these are really boring, but that is not all about it- they are suffocating, and that is what makes you desperate to get out of it. I am in need of a new poison, something to hang out with, may be someone to spend time with. To be able to find a direction is to live a life.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Sunday, February 5, 2012

I love ArtRage

Environmental Section Scheme
A really cool software! its drawing without messing your desk. This is my new environmental section scheme that I plan to use for my design presentation hoping that it can reflect the ideas in a more abstract diagrammatic form (and also makes the presentation more fun to look at). It took me less than a minute to do with ArtRage.!!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

I'm a rebel

I may not find the answer, but its really important to ask the question. If so, why so and if not, then why not ? In the primary stage , when I started asking questions, I became too skeptical. Some people scolded me, some made fun of me and some just started to avoid me. At that stage my logical and emotional mind sets are tangled together and I felt sad about the fact that people in general, took critical straight forward questions and opinions about their works, offensively. Nevertheless, the behavioral harness was not strong enough to hinder me from asking the questions. But slowly I brew them in my mind, rather announcing them in public.
Some, exceptional people I found in my way, who were quite like me in this certain aspect and they tried to answer all the questions I had, as much as they could. But, then again, their effort was not enough to meet up to my thirst. It was not knowledge that I looked for, this is where they got me wrong. My questions where not mere questions, they were my keys to freedom.
What is the purpose of life ?
When I ask myself such a question, it is very difficult for me to construct one singular concrete answer. But amazingly, few days back I asked this to one of my friends, and she answered it quite confidently and to my astonishment, she was quite possessive about it. But for me, still, this question boggles my mind. It drowns my head into a sea of countless answers none of which is better or worse than the other. Thus I can't find an answer. And I know I don't need to. Because it is not the answer that I need. All I need is to keep myself asking that question and many others, day after day; just to keep me alive, just to keep me thinking.
And that is what I need. 


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

If so , why so? If not , why not ?


Proposed Scripts for my Menhir
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Meaningless Search for Meanings; Chapter 1- Happiness

its 1:18 am as I am writing the post. Its raining hard outside which makes my chances of making it to college in the morning fewer. Today , there was only one class, the last one. Lucky me, I didn't take the trouble of reaching college in first half.
Life is changing very very fast, fast enough to make you forget that its changing.
Recently, my wasteful non-productive time killing self proclaimed intellectual discussions with myself led me to define happiness. It goes like this - a state of mind where thoughts are unbiased, expressions are natural, behaviors are honest and hesitation is null. Now, being nihilist from the root, ( am I sure? ) it is very difficult for my other part to accept this definition but nevertheless its plain and simple my own definition , claimed and disclaimed on my own blog.
And,
happiness, only when shared.